Happy Monday everyone! Considering how common kink comes up in my conversations, I’ve decided I will run a series of blogs on various kink/fetishes/play that may be of interest to you and/or your partner.

Today, we will talk about something that isn’t often discussed in romance, and yet, practiced and enjoyed by many couples around us. Are you ready for this month’s sexology lesson? Make yourself comfortable and listen up 😊

Cockolding

Cuckolding is a term that refers to people watching their partner being sexual in front of them with another person/persons. For some, it might be penetrative sex. For others, it may include foreplay, tease, and imaginary fantasies. Some couples get aroused at the idea of this kink (also called fetish in the sex therapy world), and don’t need to actually follow through. Other relationships will choose to involve a third party (or third parties) into their couple while choosing what level of play these people can have. Some couples want/need to stay connected/involve each other, others don’t.

Why is it a turn on? I’ve recently interviewed kinksters who explained that the thoughts of watching their partner being pleasured was an incredible experience. The moans, the sighs, even the back arches are primal things that these partners crave and ask for. There is definitely an element of forbidden, and most of these couples generally “hide” their lifestyle for fear of judgment, however, let’s be real, how is one fantasy better than another?

Cockolding is a cousin of threesomes and swapping, but a little different in that partners could happily just sit there and watch, with limited personal interactions, and still have a great time.

Historically, Cockolding implied a passive husband, a cheating wife and a very dominant man taking over what wasn’t his. However, thankfully, with time and more sexual freedom, we have redefined these terms into something more open minded that doesn’t throw people into stereotypical baskets. I’ve had the privilege of interviewing a couple of people into the lifestyle so I could share their thoughts with you today.

Ground rules

All fantasies, including Cockolding, require good communication. How do you feel about expressing your breaks and accelerators to your partner (turn ons and turn offs)? Easy? Hard? Do you feel judged? Respected? Supported? Communication is paramount for good experiences. For some, it may include a safe word or an exit plan, and for others a role play/mock experience. I would say a debrief afterwards would also go a long way. After all, we want to make sure that both parties enjoyed themselves through the experience.

An internal awareness of limitations and triggers. So for example, someone with strong rejection/abandonment issues may really need a huge amount of reassurance, while another person may not at all. I personally have a hatred for the word “swapping”. Why would anyone in their right mind want to swap something the love/appreciate/find attractive etc… I sure as hell wouldnt, but adding fun/connection/banter to something already good would be a completely different thing. Sure, it’s really about semantics, however anything that may be a trigger is worthwhile being aware of and addressed/discussed.

Safe play is something we need to consider. Whether physical safety, emotional safety, or protection from pregnancy and STDs, all of these matter equally. Did you know that you can catch STDs from oral sex? it’s actually pretty scary to read how easy it is, but read more on this site and this one.

Interview with a Kinkster…

Thank you R for letting me interview him. Here are some common questions we asked and their answers. If there are other questions, feel free to ask them, and we will do our best to get the answers for you 🙂

1- Do you ever get jealous watching your partner with another person?

Short answer no. We have been in this lifestyle for a little while, and we have talked about it. We have rules before we get involved with other people and we never go in alone. Me, being the alpha I control what happens (within reason) and most of the time, my partner is blindfolded. From my perspective, all I see is the look of lust in these men’s eyes and I’m excited to remind them she is mine and I choose what I share and how much. As she closes her eyes, her mouth opens and I get to watch her enjoy every sensation. With her being blindfolded, she needs to know what happens in advance somewhat, however, without giving away too much as the element of surprise is a definite turn on. Finally, I am always there so I am choosing what happens. As long as we’re together before, during and after, there is nothing to be jealous about.

2- Does your partner ever get jealous watching you or nervous about the experiences, and if yes, how would you help them through it?

Sometimes. Especially at the beginning. However, for most people jealousy hides deeper insecurities. For her, I check in with her. I let her know that as her Alpha, my job is to protect her and give her a good experience. I make sure that it’s about her, and she decides beforehand what we will do. Her first time, we role played what to expect, I checked in with her through the whole journey (before, on the drive there, through the session, and as we left). At some point, I could sense her vulnerability so I cuddled her on a chair, stroking her, speaking to her softly, offering to leave, until she bounced back to her naughty self and was ready to play with me again. To this day she says this was the biggest emotional turn on for her.

3- Do you have rules? What and why and any advice for newbies?

We have rules for sure. Every couple should have their own. Ours include keeping the more intimate things between us (kissing, hugging, hand holding, pillow talk etc.). Something important is to remember that the rules are there for a reason, and not to change them because it suits us at the time. This would only cause confusion and potentially a sense of mistrust so it’s important to stick to every agreement. Rules can be flexible as long as it suits both parties. For instance, in my relationship, I enjoy watching my wife having orgasms with other people, yet she feels differently about it when it comes to me. She wants me to climax inside her only and I’m fine with that 🙂

4- How do you make sure you have fun while keeping safe and your partner safe?

It’s a little bit easier at home or in hotels etc. Hand washing and showers are readily accessible. In clubs etc, especially in the dark, it’s a little bit of a guess as to who’s who and how ‘prepared’ they are on the day. Some of the things my wife and I have started to discuss is when to use condoms, who to include, how to include them, and making sure that everyone feels safe as it only improves the experience for all. Finally, bluntly the reality is anyone playing in the kink community should have regular STI checks.

5- Any final thoughts?

Alcohol may work for some. Nothing like a drink or two to settle nerves, however don’t go in there smashed. Not only is it unsafe, but it also will lead to issues around consent. For a woman, it may lead to unwanted sex but for a guy, it may lead to being accused of unwanted sexual contact and who wants that?

I saved the best part for last…. Whether it’s psychological, sexual, or emotional, I have no idea but the sex with my wife afterwards is out of this world. The last few times i lasted for days, literally days, of mega high intense out of control sex drive that we couldn’t shake. Maybe it’s being vulnerable, or feeling safe, or simply kinky, but trust me, it is WORTH IT.

This Blog is credited to:

Dr Stephanie Azri

Marriage & Relationship Counsellor| Accredited Sexologist | EMDR Therapist | Author

Stephanine Azri is a clinical social worker specialising in women’s issues and relationship counselling. She is an accredited clinical sexologist with a passion for supporting men and women to have a fulfilling sexuality. Her knowledge and skills are drawn from decades of tertiary studies, undertaking professional development and clinical supervision, as well as my personal experiences.

Her passion for women’s recoveries, healing and pregnancy/parenting started her ride as an international self-help author and as a clinician in private practice. 

She pursued a clinical accreditation in sexology and broadened her horizons by starting Beenleigh Couple Therapy (now Relationships 180), a clinic for couples of all walks of life and all types of issues. For more information please visit Stephanie’s website Relationships 180; Because all relationships matter (stephanieazri.com)   or contact her on 0403 774 459 or  hello@stephanieazri.com

Stephanie’s book range can be found at Book Collection | Dr Stephanie Azri